


A Fallen Angel

by leit_sed3



Series: That Stupid Trenchcoat [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: April Was A Victim Too, Canon Compliant, Castiel's Trenchcoat, Crying Dean, Dean Prays, Episode: s09e01 I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here, Episode: s09e03 I'm No Angel, Ezekiel threatens Dean, Flashbacks, Human Castiel, Hurt Sam Winchester, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internal Conflict, Internal Monologue, M/M, Mental Torture, POV Dean Winchester, Visions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2018-11-16 04:48:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11246637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leit_sed3/pseuds/leit_sed3
Summary: Part 2: Season 9 and on





	1. This is Dean Winchester and I Need Your Help

I carry Sam into the passenger seat. He’s unconscious and moaning slightly, but thank God, the screaming has stopped. Thinking twice, I run in and grab Crowley by the collar and drag him to the car. “What’s going on? What’s wrong with Moose? He was almost done, why did he stop?” I ignore his babbling and lock him in the trunk. I hightail it to the closest hospital.

“Cas, can you hear me? I’m driving to the hospital, Linwood Memorial. Can you meet us there? There’s something wrong with Sammy. He collapsed… I know you probably got your plate full here, but this is Sammy. Just come as soon as you can, okay?”

I let go a breath I didn’t know I was holding once I see the exit sign pointing to the hospital. I skid into the parking lot and carry Sam through the sliding doors. “Help! He collapsed!” Two nurses come running up and I place Sam onto the gurney they roll up and watch as Sam is taken past the ER doors. After about an hour of frantic prayers, the doctor lets me see him. Time seems to slow down when I walk in. Sammy looks dead. I know he’s alive, but he’s barely there. I sit with him until the doctor comes back. The radio is playing softly in the background.

 _Night was dark, when the sky was blue,_  
_Down the alley, the ice-wagon flew,_  
 _Hit a bump, and somebody screamed,_  
 _You shoulda heard just what I seen._  
  
_Who do you love?_  
 _Who do you love?_

*

I storm out of the room, the doctor’s words replaying in my head. “In God’s hands now.” I look around the hallway and a small sign catches my eye. _Chapel_. I scan the hallway to see if anyone is watching, then duck into the little room. It’s quiet in here. And something about the quietness is… peaceful. I know there’s a crap ton of problems mounting outside, but in here, the world feels… smaller. Simpler. A simple table at the end of the room holds one small red candle which illuminates the Crucifix on the wall. I look away. _I shouldn’t be in here. I don’t belong here._ _I can’t say anything._ But a voice in my head is whispering _try._ So I go to something I feel like I _can_ handle.

“Cas, are you there?” I ask. _Keep it simple._ “Sammy's hurt. He's hurt, uh – he's hurt pretty bad.” Saying it all out loud makes it so much more real. Saving face in front of Sammy has taken its toll and now that I’m alone, it all comes crashing out. It’s taking everything I have not to break down, but I am close. “And, um... I know you think that I'm pissed at you, okay? But I don't care that the angels fell. So whatever you did or didn't do, it doesn't matter, okay? We'll work it out.” I just need someone here. I don’t want to be the strong one. I’ve held others up for so long, I need someone to hold me up now. “Please, man, I need you here.” I open my eyes and look around, wishing he would appear. That I would hear the flutter of that stupid trenchcoat and Cas would be here. He would be here and he’d fix everything. _Where’s my angel?_

I look around to make sure no one saw that little bit of vulnerability slip out. I’m pissed that it happened. I’m pissed that Sammy was hurt on my watch. I’m pissed I opened myself up to Cas, _once again_ , and heard nothing. _Son of a bitch. Don’t you keep ignoring me._

“Screw it.”  No response from Cas, so I take a chance. This is a crazy gamble I’m making, but Sammy’s life is in the balance. “Okay, listen up. This one goes out to any angel with their ears on. This is Dean Winchester.” I grimace. “And I need your help. The deal is this – Linwood Memorial Hospital, Randolph, New York. The first one who can help me gets my help in return and you know that ain't nothin'. Hell, it's no secret that we haven't always seen eye to eye. But you know that I am good for my word.” I draw in another shaky breath, but I can feel the tears coming back. “And, uh, I wouldn't be asking if I wasn't needing, so...” I bury my face in my hands and let them fall freely for the first time in a long time.

*

I make my way back to Sam’s room. I collapse in the chair by his bedside and watch him. If I forget the tubes running over his face, he almost looks like he’s sleeping. _I’d give anything for that again._ I alternate between researching miracle workers on my phone and sending random prayers to Cas. A woman walks in. “Hi. I'm just gonna break the ice. Are you an angel?” I ask.

“I'm a grief counselor here at the hospital.” She responds.

 “Look, I'm sure you're a nice person and that you mean well, but there’s always a way.”

“And I am a prayerful woman who believes in miracles as much as the next, but I also know how to read an EEG. And unless you're telling me you have a direct line to those angels that you were looking for – “ She offers.

I shake my head and look away, lost in thought. “Yeah, no, I, uh... Guess I don't.” A thought hits me and I immediately brighten up. “But I might have something better. I got the King of Hell in my trunk.”

*

I walk down to the garage and find Baby. Checking to make sure no one is nearby, I rap my knuckles on the trunk. “Crowley, listen up, you son of a bitch. One for yes, two for no. You alive?” No response. “Come on, don’t be a pouter.” _Thud._ “There we go.” I bend over to unlock the trunk and I’m suddenly grabbed by the collar and an angel blade is held to my neck. “You prayed?” I pause a beat. “Yeah, for help.” He holds the blade tighter against my throat. “Yes. You’ll be helping me.” He shoves me down onto the trunk of the car. Thankfully, Crowley is smart enough to stay quiet. “If you lie to me, Dean Winchester, I will rip your throat out. Where is Castiel?” _So that’s what he’s here for._ “Who’s asking?” I counter. “Try every angel who was ejected from their home.” “Oh. Oh, well, in that case, I have no clue.” Even though that son of a bitch is ignoring me again, I’m still going to fight alongside him, against all of Heaven it now seems.

*

“All right, Ezekiel. How do I know you're not hunting me or Castiel like the other angels?” Ezekiel looks around at the ring of holy fire and stands up slowly. “Believe it or not, some of us still do believe in our mission. And that means we believe in Castiel...and you.” _Yeah, well, we haven’t been much of a team lately._ I take him up to Sam and while Ezekiel is looking over him and scanning him or whatever, my phone rings. Unknown number, but I still answer. “Who is this?” A sigh of relief on the other line and then… “Dean.”

Relief floods through me and I almost sob in gratitude. “Cas.” I walk out to the hallway to get some privacy. “Cas, what the hell’s going on?”

“Metatron tricked me. It wasn't angel trials. It was a spell. I wanted you to know that.”

“Okay. That's great, but we've got ourselves a problem.” I feel bad for the rushed reply, but Sammy is still dying.

“What's wrong?”

“Sam.” I swallow thickly. “He's, um – they say he's dying.”

“What happened?” He asks quietly.

“I don't know. I mean, first he was okay, and then he wasn't. And I-“ I’m rambling now. “Have you heard my prayers? I've been praying to you all night.”

“Dean.” Cas says placatingly. “Metatron – he – he took my grace.”

“What? Wait-” _What is the deal with this guy?_

“Don't worry about me.” He cuts me off. “What are you doing for Sam?”

“Uh, everything I can. There's actually another angel in there working on him right now.”

“What other angel?” Cas asks firmly. _What? You jealous, angel?_

“Um, his name is Ezekiel. He's cool. I mean, I think he is.” _Crap, I didn’t even grill him hard enough. What if I just let an Angel take a free shot at Sam?_

“Ezekiel. Yes.” I hear his smile and relax instantly. “He's a good soldier. He should be able to help until I get there.”

“Wait, no, no, no. No, hey, that's not an option.” I say, thinking about the other angel in the garage.

Cas doesn’t seem to hear me and continues. “It might be a few days, but –”

“Hey, Cas, listen to me.” I cut in. “There are angels out there, okay? And they – they're looking for you, and they're pissed.”

“Not all of them, Dean. Some are just looking for direction. Some are just lost.”

 _How does he not see the severity of the situation?_ “What are you talking about?”

“I met one. I think I can help her, Dean.” _This guy is gonna put himself on the line for a random angel?_

“No, Cas, I know you want to help, okay? I do, but helping angels is what got you in trouble in the first place. Now, I'm begging you – for once, look out for yourself.” _Don’t make me lose you too._ “Until we figure out what the hell is going on, trust nobody.”

“And do what? Just abandon them all?”

“Damn it, Cas! You hearing yourself? There's a war on, and it's on you. There's thousands of them out th-“ I stop and try a different approach. “You said you lost your grace, right? That means you're human. That means you bleed and you eat and you sleep and all the things you never had to worry about before.”

“I'm fine, Dean.” Cas says calmly. I roll my eyes. _You have_ got _to be kidding me. Why is everyone so suicidal?_ Before I get a chance to respond, the hospital rumbles loudly. “Whoa.”

“What's going on?” He asks.

“I think we got more company.” I start to make my way back to Sam’s room. “Look, get your ass to the bunker alone. You hear me?” “Dean.” He tries. “Go, Cas!” I hear him say my name once more before I hang up and run into the room.

*

Ezekiel starts healing Sam quietly from the inside and I get Sammy back. As we (three) drive back to the bunker, I finally let myself relax a bit. Sammy’s okay, Crowley is trapped in the trunk, and Cas is coming home. My heart quickens as I allow myself to really think about the question that has been on my mind since our phone call.

If Cas is human now, what does that mean for him?

For us?


	2. Burritos and Strippers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Sam finally find Cas

 

“Wait. You went running?” I ask.

“What? Why do you look so worried?” Sam counters with a smile.

I laugh ruefully. “Let's see. There's Cas, who I told to haul ass here. That was days ago. He's still out there. Um, there's you.”

“Me?” Sam cuts in with a laugh. “I feel great.”

“I'm sure you do, but, Sam, you went through the trials. Okay, that put a big strain on you. I just think it's better if you took it easy, you know, and didn't act like you were-”

“Possessed by an Angel.” Ezekiel looks over at me with vacant eyes. “And he _does_ feel better.” Zeke proceeds to relay the news fresh from Angel Radio. Angels are forming a faction. _That means Cas is in much more danger than we thought._

“The more of them that are after Cas, the worse it is, so... we gotta find him.”

*

Sam goes off to take a shower and I grab a map of Colorado. I take way too long making perfect radius circles for each day- I just don’t want to miss an inch. I walk back to the War Room and see Sam on his computer already searching the police scanners for Cas. _Already did that, Sammy._

 I roll the map out on the table and pull out a sharpie. “All right, so this is where Cas called from on Tuesday – Longmont, Colorado.” I point to the tiny circle in the middle. “Each circle is how far he might have gotten in one, two, and three days out.”

“Ok. Uh, here we go. Same day he called from Longmont, weird murder, same town. Cops said it was like the girl was blasted from the inside out.” “Angel kill.” Sam says nothing and continues searching online. “They might have just missed Cas. Unless they got him.” Sam looks up at me and then back to his laptop. After a beat, “You got an Emory Park, Iowa?” I scan the map with my finger. “Emory Park, Emory Park. I just saw that. Yeah, a couple days outside of Longmont.”

“Okay, because two priests were murdered there Thursday. Eyes blown out, evidence of torture. They were impaled on posts…”  Sam trails off. “Torture?” My mind racing. “Yeah.” He responds. “Angels are looking for info. _Damn it._ Man, if they get to him before we do...” “Dean. We’ll find him.” Sam says. “Well, we better get moving.” I walk towards my room and grab my duffle.

*

The door is locked; I break it down. A woman is standing over Cas with his blade held against his throat. “Cas!” I shout. His eyes lock mine as she turns back to him and drives the blade into his chest. My brain turns off, I draw my angel blade and charge her. With a wave of her hand, she sends me flying into the wall. She kicks my blade away. “This girl is popular with all the boys.” She walks slowly towards Sam. I get up and find myself right next to Cas. Her blade is still sticking into him. I bite my lip and pull the blade out. _I’ll be back. Just hold on._ She knocks Sam down with one punch and turns to face me, but I’m already there. I slide the blade into her belly and watch as her eyes glow white hot and falls to the floor with a wail.

Suddenly, I remember Cas. “Cas.” I walk past Sam, still unconscious on the floor. I stride over, dropping the blade. “Cas?” I lean over him searching for any signs of movement. Gripping his shoulder in one hand and his knee in the other, I shake him a little. _Open your eyes, Cas._ Nothing. I start to panic and grab his face. “Cas.” I call out a little forcefully. _Come on!_ As I check his pulse, his head lolls to the side a little. I can’t breathe. “Cas!” My voice breaks and I can’t think straight. “No…” I slowly let go of his face and study his wounds. _Defibrillator?_ I look around the room and see Sam walking slowly over. I slowly stand back up, blinking back tears. “Sam, he’s gone.”

Sam ignores me and places his hand over Cas. I take a second look and realize that it’s Ezekiel right now. Light shines from his hand as he moves it over Cas’s stomach. _Come on, come on, come on._ I chant over and over in my head. Sam/Zeke stands up and stumbles backwards. I turn to grab him, but Sam collapses onto the floor. I step forward to help him up, but then I hear the most amazing sound.

“Dean.”

I turn and stare for a moment. Blue eyes staring back at me. “Hey…” I run back to the chair and clutch his knee and shoulder again. “Hey, yeah.” _It’s me. I’m here._ Cas looks at me confused, then towards Sam. “And Sam.” Cas says. “Cas? You’re okay?” Sam asks, still slightly dazed. I turn back to Cas and smile. _Yeah, he’s okay._ Cas looks around and sees the woman’s body on the floor. Finally able to relax, I stand back up, slowly letting go of him. I take a deep breath and let go of the emotions bubbling inside. “Never do that again!” I command. _Don’t you dare leave me._ Cas looks back at me, unsure. “Alright.” He responds.

 *

“I am really enjoying this place. Plentiful food. Good water pressure. Things I never even considered before. There really is a lot to being human, isn't there?” Cas smiles at me.

“It ain't all just burritos and strippers, my friend.” I sigh as I stuff my face with my burrito. “Yeah. I understand what you're saying.” Cas replies. “You do?” Sam asks. “Yes, there's more to humanity than survival. You... look for purpose, and you must not be defeated by anger or despair.” Cas pauses, lost in thought. “Or hedonism, for that matter.”

“Where does hedonism come into it?” I ask, completely lost. “Well, my time with April was very educational.” Cas starts. “Yeah. I mean, I would think that getting killed is something.” Sam laughs. “And having sex.” Cas supplies.

His comment takes me by surprise and I end up inhaling my latest mouthful. I choke for a moment and swallow slowly, trying to phrase my emotions. “You had sex with April?” is all that comes out instead. “Yeah, that would be where the hedonism comes in.” Sam offers. I shush him and turn back to Cas, hoping we heard him wrong. Cas nods at Sam and he returns the motion while I stand there racking my brain for a normal response. “So... did you have protection?” I mentally slap myself for such a stupid comment, but Cas is responding. “I had my angel blade.” He assures me. “Oh – oh, he had the Angel blade.” I say to Sam. _I need to give him The Talk now. Do Angels even know this stuff? Can they even-_ “In any event, I – I do now see how difficult life can be and how well you two have led it. And I think you'll be great teachers.” Cas says confidently. “…Thanks” I make out. “Are there any more burritos?” Cas asks, changing the subject. “Uh.. yeah… yes.” I point down the hall, stupidly.

Something about Cas is different and I can’t pinpoint it. As Cas walks away my eyes flit over him. _A red sweater_ … _Where’s that stupid trenchcoat_? Something about the missing coat bothers me. I try to laugh it off as he walks to the kitchen. “Our little Cas. He gave it up to a reaper. That is-”

Sam stops to think for a second. “Wait a minute… If Cas had sex with April, that means he actually had sex with the reaper. But he didn’t know it was the reaper.” “So?” I ask, as I continue to eat my burrito. “So,” Sam sighs, exasperated. “So that means it was rape. He didn’t consent.”

“Um I’m pretty sure he wanted to have sex. It’s in our blood, man. Winchesters- we gotta love the ladies.” I brush him off. “No, Dean, think about it. Yeah, sure, he was okay with having sex with April. But it wasn’t April. The reaper tricked him. Even if he ended up enjoying it, it still counts.” I stop to mull it over. “Holy crap.” I say. “Um, do we tell him? Do we keep it a secret? This is like a big deal, we need to tell him-” “I got it.” Sam says. “Are you sure? Because maybe he’ll listen to me-” “Because you two ‘have a more profound bond?’ I know more about this subject, I can do this.”

“Alright.” I mumble, ignoring his comment. “But if there’s a problem or something…” “I can take care of this, Dean. I took a class back at Stanford. I would never hurt him.” I give up and watch Sam follow Cas into the kitchen. _I hope he’s doing the right thing…_

*

I hear water running from down the hall. I follow the noise and see Cas scrubbing his hands furiously under the faucet.

“Hey, Cas… you doing alright?” Cas looks up at me, glassy eyed. He doesn’t respond and continues washing his hands. “The reaper possessed that girl…” _Crap. I forgot about the girl._ “That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” Cas continues running water over his hands. “Can you- can you stop washing your hands for a minute? They’re clean.” I try to joke. “Here, let’s go sit down.” I see Cas’s jaw clench at my joke ( _Woops, okay no humor),_ but he follows me out of the bathroom. I open my bedroom door for him, but he stops immediately and clenches his fists. “Woah, okay. Nevermind… Let’s, uh, let’s go to the kitchen instead.” Cas nods slightly and shuffles behind me.

Once in the kitchen, Cas looks around warily. “Hey, man, relax. Sit down, want some hot chocolate?” Cas doesn’t respond, but I turn around and busy myself with the drinks. I’m stalling now and I’m sure he knows it. I just have no idea how to deal with this. I bring the steaming mugs back to the table and sit across from him. Cas stares at his mug. I take a breath. “Listen, Cas, I wanted to apologize about earlier. I didn’t really register the situation until after the conversation. My joke was a dick move.”

“And uh,” I scratch my head, unsure of how to continue. “How are you feeling?” I clear my throat. Cas continues to stare at his mug but mumbles something. “Come again?” I ask. “Is that how it’s supposed to be?” He says a little louder. “Hell no. It’s nothing like that… You’re both supposed to want it. No tricks. That reaper was a whole new level of dick.”

“When she kissed my cheek, it felt strange. I didn’t want… that. But, as I said… my people skills…” “You didn’t know, man.” I say firmly. “How could you? You’ve only been human for like 3 days before this happened.” I want to reach out and touch him, offer comfort, but I think better of it. Don’t want to cross any lines here. This is already a tricky enough situation. “But I understand. I mean, I think I do? She gave you food and shelter, right? Maybe you felt like you kinda had to pay her back?” Cas drops his head. “It was nice at first… But once I found out who she was…” “Hey, Cas. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know. The reaper used you. She used you and tricked you. It was her fault, and only hers.” Cas opens his mouth to argue, but closes it again. “And you’re safe now, right? I got her. The bunker is warded and it’s going to be fine.”

But I don’t really know. I wasn’t put in this situation. I don’t even know if I’m dealing with this right. How do you come back from something like that? I watch Cas walk back to the bathroom mumbling something about “shower”. Not only is he hurting, but he’s also feeling guilty about the poor girl the reaper possessed. _She didn’t want this either…_

*

“Castiel is in danger, and if he is here, I am in danger. Castiel cannot stay here.” I freeze. Ezekiel’s voice repeats in my head. _‘Cannot stay, cannot stay, Castiel cannot stay.’_

I explode. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? ‘He can’t stay’. He vouched for you! He’s the reason you’re here!” Zeke turns to face me while I pace the room. “Not to mention he just died a couple hours ago! You’re just gonna save him and then send him out to die again? You know how many angels are looking for him!” Zeke stares, unflinchingly, at me. “Wait a minute,” I start thinking and walk towards him. “Didn’t you say you still believed in Cas?” Zeke opens his mouth to protest. “Were you lying?” I cut him off. “Were you just saying whatever it took to get me to let you live?” Zeke shifts uncomfortably. “You’re bluffing. I know you are. I don’t know what you want, but you’re sure as hell ain’t being serious. Maybe I’ll just send _you_ out alone in the cold and see how you like it.”

Zeke’s face hardens as he straightens up and I know I’ve hit a nerve. “If I am sent out, Sam will die. You think I am bluffing? See how your brother would be without me.”

Suddenly, it’s Sam again. He collapses and rolls onto his side. “Sammy?” Sam doesn’t look at me, his mouth open in a silent scream. “Sammy!” “See how weak he is without me. He is dying.” His voice whispers in my head. “Shut up!” I yell at no one. Sam tried to focus on me. “Dean?” he asks, then starts coughing up blood. “Stop it! Stop it now!” I scream at the walls. “He will die within the hour without me.” “Stop it! Save him!” I stare at Sam on the floor, not being able to move. I look around wildly. “I’ll do it!” My stomach lurches as I say it, but Sammy is dying and that’s all I can think about. Suddenly, Sam is fine. No blood, nothing- as if it was a vision. Zeke stands, as Sam again, in front of me. “Never test me again. The next time, I will not hesitate.” I look at him wearily. “Castiel must leave today.” And with that, he walks away.

I slam my hands down on the table and grab the closest thing, a book, and hurl it against the wall. Pages fall out and flutter to the floor silently, but it doesn’t help. I grab another book and fling it. This one crashes satisfyingly into a picture frame. “Dean?” Sam’s voice calls from the hallway. I ignore him and stalk downstairs to the shooting range.

_How the hell am I going to tell Cas?_

*

I make my way over to him slowly. Not telling him crosses my mind, but Sam’s pained face is more prominent. _I can’t do this to him. Not after what happened. I can’t._ Cas is humming to himself as he eats a burrito. At least food cheered him up. The voice in my head whispers “he’ll never see it coming.” _Shut up_. I stand next to him trying not to breathe heavily. Cas looks up and smiles slightly. _I can’t do this._ _Maybe I can tell Cas why… no, Zeke said no…_

“Hey, Cas. Can we talk?”

He turns to face me. “Of course, Dean. You know how much I enjoy our talks, our time together.” He pulls out a chair for me. I clear my throat and lean on the table instead. My mouth goes dry and I focus on Sammy.

“Listen, buddy, you can’t stay.”

*

I can’t get his face out of my head. It’s been 4 weeks and whenever I try to sleep, I see his heartbroken expression. Every time Sam brings Cas up, I have to lie.

“Hey so why can’t we call Cas?” He asks one day. “Um, he said he’s hiding from the angels and doesn’t want them to pick up the trace. He said he’ll call when he can.” Sam shrugs and turns back to his laptop. I rub my head trying to forget, but I can’t get his face out of my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a super hard chapter. I know the topic of Cas and April has ruffled more than a few feathers on account of the lack of understanding from the writers. I really hope I was able to do it justice. I'm sorry if my rendition was still too blunt/harsh for some readers- I don't have all the knowledge and experience to do this justice. I hope this helps.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos, and I'll continue the story. Comment what you liked!


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